GoogleWatch yourself before you get GoogleSpied upon

Two Gems from Fark.com, one with particular import for AJP (hint: AJP doesn't have Amp'd cellular service)

"Dear Amp'd customer. As of 12:01 a.m. July 24th Amp'd mobile will terminate service with all subscribers. We apologize and thank you for your patronage. P.S. we apologize for telling you this via a text message."

Take heed, lil' gangster wannabes: if you go around flashing goofy fake gang signs, make sure it's not around undercover gang officers or you might find yourself facing very real criminal charges

http://www.nysun.com/article/56475
- An article covering a recent uproar over Google's newest feature--GoogleView--where a GoogleVan rolls through major American cities with a 360-degree camera that allows people on the internet to take virtual tours of said cities. People captured on the watchful eye of the GoogleLens began filing complaints when they were shown doing something embarrassing--picking their nose, coming out of strip clubs, wearing U of A clothing, etc. Pretty interesting story from a serious viewpoint, and just great pictures for everything else.

Note on "Ocean's 13":
Ok, look. I feel morally compelled to preface any movie review with a note about the inherent subjectivity of the process. We all have our opinions and they are all equal, though some are more equal than others. In this case, mine is more equal. I have a repertoire and the credentials that fully and completely support the following claim: I know more about movies than you, therefore what I think is right. Okay, so I don't really think that is true, but I thought since I am writing on AJP's blog, I ought to employ a little AJP logic-----OH!!!! SNAP!!!!! PWNd. What!? (cough, cough, clears throat) hmm. Sorry.

Anyway, I saw "Ocean's 12+1" last night with the lovely, long-legged, luscious, Liz (I hate it when an attempt at solid alliteration brings you dangerously close to sexual harrassment, don't you?). I intentionally call it "12+1" because that is, in effect, what it is/was. I know most of you have probably seen it by now and are over it, but my stay abroad and the exuberant prices at movie theatres in China both put a hold on my ability to be as cool as you, so get over it. The film was worth seeing, I should start there. It is amazing to see the craftsmanship of someone who has perfected the art of whoring himself once every few years in order to make several projects near and dear to his heart. Steven Soderbergh, is like a hooker who pays her way through college with one month's worth of work in summer. But that's not all. Soderbergh has also found a way to do the BlockBuster-style film that is his proverbial meal-ticket on his own terms and with his own flare. Perhaps the convoluted plot lines aren't as complex as a Guy Ritchie's pieces (think "Snatch") and his heist style pictures may not be quite as noteworthy as Redford's "The Sting", but Soderbergh's  films are unique. He has his own style, candor, cadence, editing, and narration technique that have all contributed to his status as a great writer/director. What's more, he has been able to bring those tools with him when he goes to do battle with the major studios, who are notorious for robbing any one individual vision to make it past the filters of uniformity and bland alignment with past successes (Think "Anything by Michael Bay"). So I applaud him there, but I have to say that this latest installment to the Ocean's series fell short of the usual punch carried in a Soderbergh project. In short, this film never got off the ground. The plot line was short and as a result the plot and plan was a bit too straight-forward and thereby predictable. There was less character-oriented points and other than the expected, usual, funny dialog between Clooney and Pitt.  In sum, the whole film simply felt the ending of another film--rather than a complete film unto itself.

And just because I know I'll have to hear about it if I don't mention it: the one reason to definitely see this film involves Casey Afflect's character and the exchange: "Are you in yet?" "I hate that question." (happy liz?) haha

FFAA: Akshai....Drum roll please.....was homecoming king at the largest university in the nation (depending on how you count). Just thought I'd throw that out there. Bring it back into the mix. Google it.

peace, beazley

sheer/shear oblivion

The funniest thing said last night came when I met my friend's father for the first time and he learned of my vegetarianism: "Well your body may be a temple, but mine is a dorm room." Bear in mind that I had said nothing about why I was a vegetarian. Later that night, when someone offered him a shot of tequila, he said: "Can't. Won't. Tequila is bad chicken, because when I drink tequila I become invisible and when I am invisible I do things that AMAZE people."

Additionally:

There are various theories about the origin of the word Chile. According to one theory the Incas of Peru, who had failed to conquer the Araucanians, called the valley of the Aconcagua "Chili" by corruption of the name of a tribal chief ("cacique") called Tili, who ruled the area at the time of the Incan conquest. ^[1] Another theory points to the similarity of the valley of the Aconcagua with that of the Casma Valley in Peru, where there was a town and valley named Chili.^[1] Other theories say Chile may derive its name from the indigenous Mapuche word chilli, which may mean "where the land ends,"^[2] "the deepest point of the Earth," ^[3], or "sea gulls;" ^[4] or from the Quechua chin, "cold", or the Aymara tchili, meaning "snow." ^[5][6] Another meaning attributed to chilli is the onomatopoeic cheele-cheele—the Mapuche imitation of a bird call.^[2] The Spanish conquistadors heard about this name from the Incas and the few survivors of Diego de Almagro's first Spanish expedition south from Peru in 1535-36 called themselves the "men of Chilli." <sup>[2]

(from wiki)

FFAA: While Akshai will prominently display his middle initial, he refuses to say it aloud to most people, for fear of how badly butchered their attempt at repeating it will surely be. Even if you promise not to repeat it, he will still refuse since you will still surely botch it up in your head.</sup>

two letters, one hilarious, one amazing

Over the past few months, as always, there have been numerous public letters written by various figureheads of our society. However, two such letters I found to be particularly noteworthy. One is from comedian and actor David Cross, and the other from writer (and activist?) Howard Zinn. The David Cross letter is a response to some comments made about him by famed "hick" comedian, Larry the Cable Guy--think: GIT-R-DUN! The Zinn letter is addressed to the American people, providing an all-to-needed reminder. Other than the fact that akshai likes both these people, I thought these would be worthy of your time:

David Cross: http://www.bobanddavid.com/david.asp?artID=183

Howard Zinn: http://www.commondreams.org/views06/0703-29.htm

Hope all is well.

FFAA: This one is a bit obvious for those of you who have known the Shai-Master for a while, but for those of you that don't, I think this is a vital Fun Fact About Akshai: He, his dad, and his sister, all drive the exact same car, in the same color too. White honda accords. All three of them. So when they are all at home getting whooped by their grandma in cards (she cheats, quite notoriously so, I might add), it looks as if honda is having a small convention or parade on the west side of phoenix. Ha.

From Fark.com, for Yesterday

Jon Bon Jovi wants the owner of the Mijovi energy drink to change its name, arguing it is too similar to his famous moniker

Canada's crime rate is at a 25-year low, but this has nothing to do with last week's revelation that Canadians smoke more weed than any other country. "Dude, let's break into.... nah, let's twist another one"

German police spring into action after report from woman of a dangerous masked criminal trying to steal van. Turns out the criminal was a large toy beaver

Turns out Chinese news reporter faked that story about replacing meat with cardboard in buns. Will have different kind of meat in his buns when he goes to Chinese PMITA prison. Also, "Bangkok," huh, huh

Using hairspray, (like in Charlie's Angels) to detect the infra-red doesn't work. In fact, it will set off the alarm as these two teens found out

Stay classy, Dodge: New Nitro ad shows dog being electrocuted

Today's "man stabs wife with sword while shouting 'Show me the money'" story brought to you by Hudson, Florida

FFAA: the name, "Da Roostah" is actually lifted from  David Sedaris Story out of, "Me Talk Pretty One Day" about his brother being a straight-up gangster from North Carolina, who goes by the moniker "Tha Roostah."

How Dis Be Goin Down

 

 

 

Alright you little braniacs on the nerd patrol. Here's how we are going to do this: I agreed to "Build Lesbian Ogre Grenades" for akshizy, and that's what we're going to do. He may have been under the impression that "Blog" was simply a slang-term and not an acronym, but then he never has been very quick on the uptake. And, as everyone knows, the proper method of construction of a lesbian ogre grenade involves a medley of linguistic and literary hoola-hooping.

 

I will make an effort to post here everyday--if for nothing else, then to succeed where good ol' AJP hath failed. Each day, I will either post something from the internets (intentionally plural, btw) that I found particularly interesting, a random story from China, or a movie review. Additionally, each of my posts will conclude with a FFAA (pronounced ffffffffff-Ahhhhhh!!, with wild hand motions. Come on, do it with me now: ffffffff-Ahhhhhhh!! Lauren, that was terrible. And Liz? You're not even trying. :::::Shakes head disapprovingly::::) FFAA = Fun Fact About Akshai. Yes, that's right, I'm going there. If you have one in mind that you would like to see posted, or if you have an embarrassing or amazing picture of the Shai-Master himself, please send them to me at jbeazfosheaz@gmail.com so that I may post them all.

 

Last but not least, we will be having a competition since making this an interactive endeavor is probably the only way I can make this even half as interesting as our illustrious brown friend. Here's how it works: take AJP's initials and try to come up with the best three-worded phrase. For instance: "A Joke Professor" or "Asian Jello Pride" or "Anti-Jason Parade." You get the idea. You can also submit your own intial phrases, and when Shai gets back we will let him pick the winner of each category. Werd.

 

FFAA: Akshai's first piece of investigative reporting came at quite an early age. Early indeed. Woodward and Bernstein were only in their 30's when they cracked what could be called the most significant political corruption case of the last 200 years (With Ken Star and the Lewinski-Debacle a close second, haha). But our dear Akshai was only in Kindergarten when he cracked the legendary case of the mysteriously appearing saw-dust. One morning after a refreshing post-recess apple juice with the boys, as Akshai meandered back over to his desk he noticed the oddest of oddities: a large pile of saw dust had somehow accumulated beneath a fellow classmates desk. Surely, he assumed, this must just be some sort of freak of nature and it would be cleaned up tomorrow, but no. When he came back to class the next day it was still there. Akshai was smart enough not to ask the student himself, since if this other boy was involved in some intercontinental tunneling operation to liberate the Chinese, surely he wouldn't be at liberty to discuss such sensitive matters. But Akshai was persistent and intrepid enough to ask just about everyone else. And, by Jove, once he had thoroughly interrogated the teacher and the janitor who eventually came to clean it up, the first of many a light bulb popped over Akshai's head, he realized what sort of abomination had taken place, and instantly his innocence was gone. That, ladies and gentlemen, is how the Akshai we know today got to be such a jaded cynic of the worst sort. Sad, just sad.

 

 

jbeazfosheaz

Introducing: The Killer Beez

Dear Loyal Readers,

I'll be touring Buenos Aires, for pleasure and a Quartdim Conference, for the next 2 weeks. My good friend, Jason "The Killer Beez" Beazley, will be blogging in my stead.

While DR hosts his authorship, enjoy the linguistic stylings!

Attentamente,


Akshai J. Patel

Two Helpings of Cynicism

After sore disappointment from the Democratic debate, I expected the Republicans to make me ill. Indeed, it's take me this long to recover and finally post about the maelstrom. Indeed, it was contentious, but any free-willed person with even a dash of common sense would recognize that some of the GOP riff-raff on stage were beyond simply debatable options, and would better be described as ridiculous. And a special thanks goes out to CNN for broadcasting the nonsense worldwide, so everyone can think we've learned nothing from the last 8 years and half of our '08 choice is going to come from a crop of disappointing conservative politicos. Just the way we like it.

But the highlights were worthy of any political version of Sportscenter (read: CSPAN-the Ocho). Tancredo wants new Americans to cut ties with the past and assimilate until we no longer "have to press 'one' for English and 'two' for any other language." Because apparently a diverse population of speakers is a sign that WASPs are losing something. You know, because they don't occupy the top tier of socio-economic positions in the U.S., at the moment. That extra two seconds it takes Tancredo to choose his preferred language could have been saved, not allowing the market to do its job adapting to a changing population. If you don't build it, my friend, they won't come, right?

Huckabee, after admitting to only 'like kinda' believing in evolution, supports Tancredo, calling English the one element that holds us together, thereby requiring its preservation.

McCain, currently in the midst of an implosion that threatens to end it all, promised to "veto any bill with pork." And I promise everyone all the parties they want, no more homework, and teachers who make easy tests. Whooooooo! McCain for 6th grade class president. And he 'only kinda' wants to make English an official language.

Ron Paul makes a reference to the American Empire, as a good thing. A foreign policy genius will he make. He further informs us that "Roe v. Wade ruined it for the whole country."

Romney tells us he isn't anti-immigration, he loves immigration, but he says he hates it because he's just trying to get votes.

Giuliani takes credit for turning around all of New York City and believes that is proof that he can turn around Washington--invoking the age old mantra that will result in votes from conservatives because they only need to hear to believe. Seeing a plan is overrated.

Brownback does "not remember that document," the NIE (National Intelligence Estimate), that describes the intelligence we had about Iraq before going. The word choice and sentence fluency made it a very forgettable read, guys. After delivering his plan to cut into Iraq into 3 states, he only has to let us know that he's "been around the issue" of immigration. No actual ideas regarding it are needed. He's been around it, people. Chillax.

Thompson will use Bush to lecture youth on public service. Because he's very popular among youth. And Thompson hopes to reduce the number of youth who choose public service--gotta avoid those historical highs.

Hunter assures us that people want the jobs that illegals take, and we'd only have to pay them $18/hr. Plus, his plan has "got a big fence," so we can rest assured that it's something to be supported, because it can fix all the problems of undocumented immigration. Duh.

At least, after all the bickering over nothing, we came to some unanimity--allowing gays to serve openly in the military. Zero in favor. No need for discussion there.

The debate was very entertaining, if you aren't thinking about your civic duty and the fact that these people are running for serious office.